What do you do when you feel like you've been holding on to something for so long? Do you let go? But what if the moment you let go, you realize it was a mistake? Can you go back?
A friend once told me that if I've been holding on to something for so long and it starts to hurt, then it's time to let go.
So I decided.
"Bakit ganon ang mga status mo? Is there something wrong?"
Nanatili akong tahimik sa tanong ni Phillip.
This time I gathered every ounce of courage I had left and told him what I felt. I didn't even care if my voice cracked.
"I think it's time to let each other go.", I started.
He looked shocked.
"You're breaking up with me? Why?", he asked. Hurt evident in his voice.
"Kasi nasasaktan na ako."
"Ano namang ibig sabihin nun?"
"Just like that. Nasasaktan ako."
"Bakit? May nagawa ba ako?"
"Yun na nga Phil. You didn't do anything. I felt like I was waiting for something that was never gonna happen. Feeling ko kailangan lagi ko hingin ang atensyon mo. You were so busy with other things and you barely had time for me."
"Pero nag-uusap naman tayo ah."
"Yes. Nag-uusap. But is that enough? Kung para sa'yo oo, sa akin, hindi. It's not enough na mag-uusap tayo pag-gising and then ang next na pag-uusap na 'tin is kapag matutulog na."
He stayed silent.
"Nakakapagod na eh.", pagpapatuloy ko.
"What do you mean?"
"Nakakapagod mag-expect. Nakakapagod maghintay ng text mo, ng message mo sa facebook. I'm tired. Nakakapagod mag-effort. Mag-reach out sa'yo. Minsan makakalimang text message pa ako bago ka mag-reply. And at times, makikita ko, online ka naman sa Facebook, pero hindi ka nag-memessage. I know mahirap ang long distance relationship pero hindi lang naman ikaw nag nasa relasyong ito. I'm also in this."
Hindi ko na pinigilan ang mga luha ko.
It's really hard for me saying all those things. Mahal na mahal ko si Phil. He was my everything. That's why breaking up with him was hell. But I had to do it. Because I have to be happy. I want to be happy.
"Pero mahal kita.", this time, he was also crying.
Pinunasan ko ang mga luha nito.
"It's just that maybe we need more time to ourselves. Mahalin muna natin ang sarili natin. Tapos kapag handa natayo ulit, if at that time we're both free, then maybe, just maybe, tayo talaga.", sabi ko rito.
"Can't we just try again Sty?", he asked, tears still falling from his eyes.
For a moment nag-isip ako. I wanted so badly to say yes. To hug him and to take it all back. But I knew that we had to do this. For ourselves.
"No. Not right now Phil.", I said. Voice cracking.
This time humagulgol siya.
"Please don't cry Phil. Alam mong hindi ko kayang makita kang ganyan."
"Then don't break-up with me please.", he asked again.
"We have to."
"Hindi na ba talaga magbabago ang desisyon mo? I'll do better, I promise.", he asked looking me straight in the eye.
I smiled. A sad one. Naalala ko why I fell in love with him in the first place.
It was his eyes. He had the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen. It was a light brown which he got from his mom being half-Australian.
I shook my head.
"I've made up my mind before I even got here."
I wiped his tears again.
"Malay mo naman di ba? Makakita ka ng taong paglalaanan mo ng atensyon mo. Undivided. Kagaya ng atensyong binibigay ko sayo."
He stayed silent.
I stood up, picked up my bags and turned around. Letting my tears fall. Habang nakatalikod ako I heard him cry again.
"I love you.", sabi ko. "I will always love you. If someday, our paths crossed again and you feel the same, don't hesitate to tell me."
I walked through the door. Isinara ko ito. And there, outside the door, I cried my heart out. I broke down.